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a day of death and life

my dear family in japan... i admire all of you for your courage and strength. you chose a very vital lesson... a lesson in the opening of hearts, world-wide. my love and hope goes out to all of you. events like the earthquake and tsunami really open our eyes to what truly matters... eachother, loved ones, and mama earth.

i love you, humanity, with all of your deep flaws. they are there for a reason.. i believe in us, that we can change and become the beautiful people we are meant to be. someday, somehow, and it starts now, in this very moment.

i am sad today, yet happy too. i am feeling much guilt today.. guilt that i have not been the very best mama to onyx, that i have not been the very best friend or family or lover. and even guilt that i haven't treated myself with enough love. i cried some powerful, quick tears in the car.. i see how wasteful the feeling of guilt is.. so i take it as i sign that i need to continue to change myself, yet be free from any guilt. guilt does not create anything beautiful....

i'm going to be home in six days... blessed be <3 i have a very bright present and future.

much much love... use your magical divinity.

things i adore today...

*coffee faeries... who buy me coffee without telling me who they even are <3 i'm a lucky girl..

*my onyx love.. who is talking some and almost walking. he is such an explorer.. he wants to see and experience everything. he's got golden blonde curls and the most beautiful, brown-blue eyes. his smile really lights up everything within me. i love him and i love my life...

*i'm going to see my mountain forest home soon! only about 2 weeks away until i see my family again for the first time in 4 and a half months. it's bittersweet though... i truly have such a heart for maui and the people here. i'm coming back here soon.. hopefully in the fall again. this magical island has become a beloved home...

*standing on my own 2 feet, strong like an oak tree. i have learned more and more that my happiness and security are in my own hands... its very freeing <3

*jane.. my beautiful priestess friend who just left the island to return home after a few months here. she was so lovely.. full of laughter and rosy cheeks. she was a great teacher as well.. i miss our pagan ritual classes. love u, jane <3 cant wait to see your wild face again soon. we are family now, forever and always

*the prosperity and abundance that always seems to flow into our lives like a fountain. thank u wonderful universal spirit for loving and taking care of us always. im amazed at your constant magic

*my dreams, wishes, and ideas... i have so many exciting ones swirling in my head and heart... i couldnt have discovered them without coming here <3 i have a magical present and future... we all do

*kisses from my lover

*raw foods that make me feel alive and well in a whole new way

*and so many more that touch my heart and soul <3

blessings and blessed bees... bzzzzzz.... *

eternal love, elva rose

radical self-love

it's february 1st... bridget's day, imbolc. and it's radical self-love month... when spring is just beginning to open her eyes and shake out her hair, when the green growth of life begins to push up through the cold, hard ground. goodbye snowdrops, hello golden flower faces.

after so much transformation, after many tears, after moments full of doubts and revelations, today i choose to let it all go, and only be <3

life takes care of us, but only if we take care of ourselves and others. remember... do not let yourself forget, for in forgetfulness, lies a life lived unconsciously and carelessly. i do want to live my fullest potential out on this planet. that's what i'm meant to do here. be me, elva <3 fully and completely. do i need these limitations, these little hurts and wounds? no... they only pull down my bright light.

and you don't need yours... they are only our sad tales. but they are not who we are. we can be exactly as we want to be. would you like to paint, sing, speak out, heal, crush the pain? you can do it all... be free. only you can spread your wings and fly into the sky.

i might have to leave maui early. onyx is not doing so well here. in many ways he is bright, healthy, and happy, but in other ways, such as with sleeping and napping, he is not. having his own quiet, peaceful, dark sanctuary to sleep is important for him. sleeping in a two-room tent, no matter how sweet and spacious it is, does not create a good enough space for him to sleep well. he is afraid to sleep now, afraid to be away from me. he cries and cries and will not let himself sleep now. the tent is not quiet enough for him... it has gotten so frustrating and sad for both of us that i feel he needs a home, very soon. and since we are not going to actively pursue creating a home here on maui, then i might need to go back home to my mountain, where a house awaits us. i don't want to see the fear in my little one's eyes when i try to put him down for a nap or to sleep at night. i don't want it to become a big, scary issue in his eyes, and it's starting to...

but that means sam and i will be seperated, as he will be here until march. who knows what will become of us, once we are apart from eachother? i will miss him dearly... some of my heart feels a little broken. he is my best friend, and i wonder how his relationship with onyx will change once onyx does not see him for a while... will he forget about his daddy? he is so young... i fear he may, no matter how much he loves sam.

but these are fears that i do not have the answer for... and so i let go, for i cannot control what happens, except i can trust and love my life and let my fear fly away like a butterfly. holding onto it will only bring me down and create fear and worry. humans love to hold on, don't they? it makes us feel safe, but truly, it only holds us down, so we can't breathe.

i want to breathe <3

lost... like alice in wonderland


i'm just not sure how i feel about a lot of things in my life. i feel so far away from myself right now...

i feel everything back and forth.. ugliness and beauty. gratitude and just wanting everything to change...

but above all, i know i will make it. more than make it.. i will find purpose and beauty in all of this. because truly, life is beautiful. i trust in that above all things <3

i love it here on maui. it has been my dream to come here and i have experienced so many beautiful things.. and i want to experience even more. but i am missing my home... it's so nice to have family around to help me with onyx. yes, my family is very different than me.. so different that in some ways we can't relate, but i still love and honor them for who they are. and they give onyx so much love... here i am alone in taking care of him. sam has a lot of work/trade to do and prosperity to create, and i take care of onyx mostly on my own.

it has been difficult lately.. i have felt all over the place. my feelings are a whirlwind. i just want to be happy, create a change, spread love, share my gifts with humanity.. why can't it be that simple? i'm sure it could be.. but for some reason, there are things that always complicate that simplicity.

<3 everything will be alright. it always, always is... just don't forget.

the beginning of elva rose

hi, my name is elva rose <3

that is my name now, and it fits the person i have become much more then my first name (which i still love, but i have shed it for now).. we are all like butterflies, us humans, and the constant within us is change. why keep the same name your whole life when you grow and evolve and can become many different things in the span of a life?

and it's so beautiful... i met a girl here on maui at the health food store who told me that in sweden, elva means eleven and fairy. i thought, what a perfect, amazing name i have found! it's very exciting.. who am i now that i have a different name? i am *me*, and we are all so special in our uniqueness! i am like no other, and so are you! that is so sweet <3 that makes us all very loved, because no one will ever be exactly as we are right now.

buying tickets back to my mountain today!! yay, my heart is excited and filled with little butterflies. but still.. i am sad thinking of leaving this place which as also become my home, not to mention all the lovely people who have become my friends and family. it is all such a special experience. *sigh* my heart belongs with everything... why do i just have to be this one, singular little human being? why can't i be everywhere with everyone all at once? maybe i will figure out how to do that someday :)

today is a gray day, with rain clouds and softness and water everywhere... a gentle day.

for 21 days i'm on a raw foods diet. i am on day 4 today! and i <3 it.. i feel so alive and healthy, and like i am giving so much love and care to my body. i might just want to live this way forever. i have been making some very yummy stuff... raw oatmeal with coconut water and raw almond milk.. tropical fruit smoothies.. lots of sprouted salads with avocado. and raw cashew coconut butter! so heavenly.. and so alive and healing for your body, mind, and spirit. my dream now is to have a small raw foods cafe in the town i love... i'm going to make all my dreams come true. i have seen that while here on maui.. that i am a divine human being who can make anything happen if i wish it with all my being. it's amazing to have this knowledge about myself and all others.. we are so powerful, and we often don't even realize it.

i also want to finish and publish my beloved books that i've been writing, and get a well-known blog up and running, where i can reach many people and touch their lives. i want to create a beautiful life for myself and help to heal humanity and the planet.. and truly, i have such a beautiful life right now.

love love love.. is all you need <3

things i love...

today is the very last day of 2010.. wow, what a beautiful year this has been! it flies too quickly away from me.. but, i am very ready for more beautiful times in 2011.

so much has changed.. i am a new girl in a lot of ways, although i will always be me. my spirit will always be the same. i am now called elva rose.. and i feel so different inside.

i have learned a lot about who i am, who i want to be, what i want to do, what stops and stifles me and my dreams...

it has brought lots of tears and happy moments.

in two months, i'm going back to my mountain. i'm buying tickets next week for march!! i am so excited.. i have a big, squishy pink heart for maui, but i love my home in the forest. something about it is so nurturing to me... and i love living more gently with our mother earth, but i do miss electricity and having a warm, cozy home. i will definitely be living much more gently and in-tune with the planet when i return though.. that's something i value so much about living off the grid here. it's very special. but somehow i still really miss having a house.. it's harder to live with a baby without electricity and running water. i try to make it as comfy for onyx as i can, but it is still difficult at times to take care of our needs..

everyone.. appreciate and honor the electricity and stability your homes and the earth gives you! it is not to be wasted, thrown away, or taken for granted.

our mother universe and planet takes such good care of us <3 truly..

things i heart lately..

our beautiful, new garden hale.. such a spacious tent with lots of room for onyx! very comfy and in a sweet spot with lots of happy, thriving plants nearby!

onyx, and his beautiful, sweet spirit. he opens my eyes and heart in a million ways..

my dreams and inspirations for myself and 2011.. i want to write and have a blog where i reach many people, and i want to create my art with recycled items and sell it. i want to live out of my creative soul!

the people of the community where i live.. they are all so lovely. i really appreciate them...

maui.. the magic here is so strong and vibrant. manifesting things here is so smooth and apparent... this is a place of creating your dreams. it has been amazing to experience it!

my friends.. my lovely friends of back home, and the sweet ones i have made here. i am in such gratitude for all their beauty. i am so excited to see them, hug them, and talk to them... <3

getting my hair done in beautiful colors.. i want to dye it before i leave. blonde with a rose streak, and some bangs. i feel changed on the inside, and want to change on the outside too! i love having fun with the beauty of human appearance..

face steams! boil some water and add fresh mint, lemon, and essential oils, and then place your face in the steam and breathe! it's amazing.. so healing and refreshing. thank you orion and jaden <3

my life.. i truly love you.

love love love to all <3


rainbows over the sea

maui sunsets... such pure magic. this place has my heart... too bad another place has a big part of my heart too. oh why oh why can't i be in two places at once?

my most LOVELY child, onyx.. he is a year old now and so beautiful. his first birthday was so sweet! we went to baby beach, and he played in the sand and had so much fun. then we had a party for him back at the sustainable community where we live, where children came over and played, there was a campfire and guitar playing, and lots of raw yummies! a friend of ours made onyx a raw chocolate cake. it was so simple and sweet... a very lovely day for my little one.

christmas (fairyblissmas!) was mellow... and a little hard. sam and i weren't flowing.. it was sad. there were some tears and some realizations. i feel that we are slowly growing apart from eachother.. yet, he is the most lovely human being. i always want us to be best friends. he will always have a part of my heart. we hand-made all the gifts, with beautiful maui shells and stones, and we are sending them off late today to our loved ones in cali. i <3 hand-making gifts.. they are so much more filled with love and time and energy, rather then something you buy at a store. my imagination and creative hands touch the gifts i make... i'm excited for my loved ones to get them!!!

today is gray and stormy and pearly.. green, leafy trees and cloudy skies. beautiful...

i love it here. i miss my mountain and the sweet people in my life, but my spirit is happy here. i have found so much magic.. my eyes are opening all the time here. in my hometown, i was not growing.. here i am blossoming. and it hurts... but it's supposed to. as i stretch and break out of my old blossom, i grow a new one. one that is brighter, and bigger and more beautiful and expansive. but sometimes i need help in embracing this newness and growth...

my dreams are waking up too.. so many amazing things go through my head all the time! it's such a magical experience. thank you life! i am truly so happy...

wow. i live in wonderment..

i hope you do too <3 life is love, and you are life, and so we are also love..

wow, where do i start?

i live on maui now, and it's so beautiful and magical here. there's so many rainbows, and gorgeous trees... and the sea. the sea is so lovely and aquamarine. i love it here. i am so ecstatic at this beautiful adventure i am living through. i live at a sustainable community with a little family.. they are so sweet and conscious and inspiring. sam and onyx are with me too and they are loving life here. we live without electricity and many of the luxuries of home, but it is a gentle way of life.. mother earth is happier. but it definitely takes more work to accomplish things.. we are working on getting running water, so to do simple things like laundry and all of that, is not as simple as it used to be. that's something i miss... but it's a beautiful adventure.

come spring, when everything begins to awaken and bloom again, i'm going back to my home in the mountains. i love my home and miss is so much.. being here has opened my eyes and my heart to where i come from. i feel it's where i truly belong. maui is somewhere i really love, but it's not where i want to be long-term. my mountain is in my heart and mind. but this beautiful place is definitely my second home, and it brings me joy to be here.

i have been swimming in the ocean, finding beautiful shells and stones, jumping into the waterfall near the community i live at, making new amazing friends, and living in a different way... it's so lovely. i am truly very blessed.

i am going through a lot of changes while i'm here... this is the heart chakra of the planet, and i am definitely being challenged to open my heart and evolve. and sometimes it hurts, but change is so good for me so i can be the very most loving person i can be...

aloha <3

september leaves

onyx and i.. onyx is amazing, so special and delightful and healthy and a happy (but sometimes a little frustrating) handful! i am working on the frustrating part :) ... he is beautiful, and i am in awe of the little human being he is. he is changing all the time! he crawls super fast now and loves to explore.. he spends a lot of time on the floor, crawling all over the house and playing with whatever he can find. he is very much an independent spirit :) he has just started recently pulling himself up, wanting to stand himself up. he is the most lovely thing to me... i am so full of heart and proudness for him.

the date of our departure is coming closer and closer.. this summer has been beautiful.. busy but so sweet and lovely. we are leaving for maui on november 1st. time to say goodbye soon! i cried for the first time a little bit the other day.. the only part that hurts is the thought of saying goodbye to all of the people and places and animals i love! i don't think i will believe it's completely real until we are on our way to the airport..

what an adventure it will be. i'm not sure exactly what's there for me, but i know there is something! and i trust that.. i have felt a calling to be there for a long, long time. so i am trusting the universe, trusting myself, and trusting life that maui is where i need to be, for my and the world's highest good. yay for this new life i will have!!

my goal is to work on an organic farm for work-trade for the first couple of months we are there, until we are settled more. we have been applying endlessly to as many ones as we can that sound lovely to us, so we will see! i trust that the perfect place will be there for us right when we need it :)

what else....

lots!!! i have been a very busy mama and human being..

i am having a fundraiser for our trip in mid-october.. my friend and i (she has been a ballet dancer in the past) are going to perform a ballet piece to my mama's piano music that she wrote. i'm also going to hold a fashion show as part of it, of some of my jewelry and crocheted stuff i've made, and some of my friends are going to perform their talents, like singing and poetry. i'm so excited!! it will be fun to bring some art and creativity and uniqueness to the place i live, because it's a gorgeous place but it can be a sad little town sometimes.. it needs a little sunshine and artistic talent.

a beautiful lake sam, onyx and i went to this summer..

sam and onyx

my little one <3

i'm going to get a laptop before we leave so i can keep up this blog.. i really <3 writing... even if no one reads it.. i read it!!!

<3 hearts to all.

very much do i heart you

busy mama, with many joyful things to look forward to! i find that i am growing so much these days <3 and it feels so healing for this slightly damaged/wounded girl that i am..

3 farms on the hawaiian islands want sam and i to work on them! we are thinking maui... and feeling really excited about it all. this is for the highest good for us! so we can learn to live more lovingly with mother earth, and discontinue the dangerous cycle of exploiting nature and her resources. i'm so glad for the change!!! but i will miss my home too... of course and always <3

onyx is beautiful! pink-cheeked, sweet, and more independent then ever! he's almost crawling, and he loves rolling around on the living room floor playing with paper bags, colored markers, and books. he grabs onto everything he can get his hands on! and i am in love, so so in love with him. he's lovely.

life has been really filled with love and growth lately, and i am so happy. so truly happy.. and i am blessed beyond comprehension.

love and blessings to all.



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